Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
You Might Also Like
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.