“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
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Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Can’t, holding a grudge
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never