what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
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When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My dress code is business-casualty.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat