What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
You Might Also Like
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
#titanic
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.