-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
You Might Also Like
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”