What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
that’s really how it is
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”