They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York