Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@EndhooS

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

@KimmyMonte

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

@KevinBuffalo

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??

@Cpin42

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

@ToxicProbably

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

@mom_tho

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

@poutinesmoothie

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

@AnOrangeSNES

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

@VisionBored1

My kids wanted to watch Netflix and I wanted them to go outside so now they’re watching Netflix on my laptop outside

@mommajessiec

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.