“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?


{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?


I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??


I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.


Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row


Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try


On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit


My kids wanted to watch Netflix and I wanted them to go outside so now they’re watching Netflix on my laptop outside


My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.