1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
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Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Ken is short for chicken
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?