What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
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5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
repaired
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.