what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
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No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”