What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.


doctor: your wife has gone into labour

me: oh no

wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE


Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here

My dog when we go for a walk.


Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.


“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made


I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?


When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.


[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?


-Oh shit we called the wrong devils


When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”