What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
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there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.