“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

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Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”


When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.


Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure


I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..


My boyfriend says I’m kind of selfish, but that’s not true. I often think of other people.

When I’m having sex with him.


Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.


[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]


Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.