Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@squirrel74wkgn

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

@AmishPornStar1

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

@TheTweetOfGod

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

@adamgreattweet

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

@faizziy

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

@VivaVeronica122

My boyfriend says I’m kind of selfish, but that’s not true. I often think of other people.

When I’m having sex with him.

@beerknitter73

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

@TheSadnesses

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

@KateWhineHall

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

@ShaunRightNow

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.