What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
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Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys