“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
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captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
cyclists
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!