what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My whole life was a lie.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
dictator is short for richard potato
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.