Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Wise advice
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?