me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
What if you’re a Gift Horse Dentist?
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There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
If Batman exists, he’s doing a shitty job.
I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Me: I want you…
I need you…
*Pops up from the backseat as you’re driving*
*Duct tapes your neck to the head rest*
Now, why are you telling people I’m crazy?!!
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”