[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
You Might Also Like
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.