@Love_bug1016

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

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@XplodingUnicorn

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

@Xoolun

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

@carychowESPN

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

@ilovepie84

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

@girlontapas

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

@jackiembouvier

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

@TheCatWhisprer

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.