What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
You Might Also Like
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.