@SandwichGhoul

what is cheese if not milk persevering

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@jensenmarie_

Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.

NO YOU GET A LIFE.

@Jarhead44

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Iโ€™m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

@10kbabyspiders

I probably would have won the bar fight had the gentleman not pinned down my flip flop and thrown off my footwork.

@mommajessiec

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

@iamopeimu

My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day

@mrjohndarby

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they donโ€™t seem to understand freedom

@notmythirdrodeo

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

@ChrisEdCaruso

Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!