Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.
NO YOU GET A LIFE.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
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Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.
I’ll keep you all posted.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I probably would have won the bar fight had the gentleman not pinned down my flip flop and thrown off my footwork.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
Jenga cop: God damn it!
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time