@theshamingofjay

What is everyone writing songs about?

John: revolution

Paul: forgiveness

George: true love

Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus

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@UncleDuke1969

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

@mydmac

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

@Marlebean

{marriage counseling}

I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…

*therapist scribbles furiously*

@Book_Krazy

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

@LlamaInaTux

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

@zorabet

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

@kumailn

“I’ll be a dentist. Then they’ll love me.”
“We’re terrified of dentists.”
“I’ll kill a lion!”
“It was a beloved lion with a name.”
“Dammit.”

@AimeeHelene1

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*