Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
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I forgot how to panic. Help
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?