Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
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Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I created you as mosquito food.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.