After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Holy crap this is wonderful
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.