@UncleBob56

What is it Lassie?
Timmy fell down a well?
Earthquake in LA?
The Russians are coming?
You found a plane?

No? …Oh, you want another beer.

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@TheCatWhisprer

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

@TheHyyyype

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

@GrowlyGrego

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

@CrockettForReal

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

@AnniemuMary

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

@dumbbeezie

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

@Darlainky

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

@JoshontheGo

I’ve worn glasses three quarters of my life, but I still manage to poke myself in the eye every now and then putting them on!