Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
What is it Lassie?
Timmy fell down a well?
Earthquake in LA?
The Russians are coming?
You found a plane?
No? …Oh, you want another beer.
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darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Someone greased my downward spiral.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
TacoBell – America’s preferred over-the-counter laxative
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’ve worn glasses three quarters of my life, but I still manage to poke myself in the eye every now and then putting them on!