What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
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My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
The struggle is real.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?