What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”


Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.


Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!


*our eyes lock and we kiss*


i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh


I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.


Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I’m texting my friends instead of talking to myself.