@aparnapkin

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

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@carlyken

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

@Tmoney68

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

@Staggfilms

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

@97Vercetti

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

@LaLa_Lyds

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

@canadian_jane

Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I’m texting my friends instead of talking to myself.