What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
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boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…