“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
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DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*