What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
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Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Merry Christmas
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.