What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
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I’m going to need a moment here.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
The biggest mystery of our time
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.