At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying
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If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it’s that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My son and I both have creepy teenage mustaches. Only one of us is excited about it though.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!