@therealeatwood

What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it’s that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.

@GoodZiIIa

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

@RBColl

I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?

@TheAlexNevil

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

@CouchTwit

My son and I both have creepy teenage mustaches. Only one of us is excited about it though.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

@Tommytoughstuff

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

@asamantha321

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

@omgthatspunny

Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!