Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
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Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that