My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
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[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
That’s classic.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.