I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
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“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
If you read into something enough, it can be offensive.
I like puppies
Twice baked potatoes
-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
wife: please don’t take everything so literal at my work party
me: it’s warm in here
wife’s boss: tell me something I don’t know
me: many ppl think the witches in salem were burned to death but they were all hanged
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!