Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
What is the term for a group of Canadians?
Is it “an apology”?
“Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians”
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When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?
Me: Hey! Come back!