@HyenaEars

What is the term for a group of Canadians?

Is it “an apology”?

“Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians”

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@SardonicTart

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

@notstupidgaycat

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

@KentWGraham

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

@KeetPotato

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

@djdavemichaels

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

@realfunghi

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

@ceejoyner

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

@Tommytoughstuff

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

@Becky_DDB

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

@mommy_cusses

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.