What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
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International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
sugar glider wrangler
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
A Short Story.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”