Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
You Might Also Like
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Bless you
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…