What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
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I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
A roof is a house hat.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.