“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
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My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Cake safety first. Always.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn