@mostlysharks

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

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@HomeWithPeanut

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

@NintenDom

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

@robwhisman

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

@BuckyIsotope

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

@Dutch_50

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

@ohen39

cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.

@HansGrubertron

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

@caseytduncan

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

@kimlockhartga

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.