What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
You Might Also Like
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..