I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
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Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.