@all_about_today

What I’ve learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.

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@Dustinkcouch

fantasy novel: she was beautiful, like a-

me: oh man here we go

fantasy novel: tray of fish sticks

me: excuse me

@CouchPotShots

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

@XplodingUnicorn

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

@milehighocd

Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.

@krishna_van

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

@Mom_Overboard

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

@HollywoodPalms

A note of apology to the people who complained about our #BlackPanther posts, saying “Wakanda isn’t real”:

@Grommit56

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

@trojansauce

*in the corridor of the club waiting for my transitions lenses to turn back into glasses* i’ll see you ladies inside

@sgeezy99

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂