@_gothique

What I’ve learned from Twitter:

1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs

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@cjwerleman

Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I’ve heard for making racists dehydrate to death.

@obijawn

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

@shanethevein

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

@simoncholland

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

@BrainFumbles

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”

@Mr_Kapowski

Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.

@Discourt

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

@J_Recommends

My sister read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and relayed some of its explicit content.

I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.

@climaxximus

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?