Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
What I’ve learned from Twitter:
1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs
You Might Also Like
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews