Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I’ve heard for making racists dehydrate to death.
What I’ve learned from Twitter:
1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs
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Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”
Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My sister read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and relayed some of its explicit content.
I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?