*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
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Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
lmfao
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???