what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer