@WittySassBasket

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

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@wildethingy

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

@SpenceDen

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

@asaltiercorpse

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

@not_delicate

I decided to be faithful to my boyfriend. I think I’m really in love this time! I don’t recall ever feeling like this before.

My husband:

@Brentweets

Shadow dancers begin making a mock hanging motion to Katy Perry’s singing

@rn_murse

Calling my work product a dog’s breakfast is really insulting to the high standards set by the canine food industry.