‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
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MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My dog ate my work from home.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*