@modestjune

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

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@ObscureGent

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

@jessokfine

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

@LaziestCanine

Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous

@weinerdog4life

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

@Buffalojilll

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

@UghNotAgain

Husbands.
Can’t live with ’em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.

@ArfMeasures

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no