Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous
Today folks! #Eclipse #SCIENCE
I love English because Debut is closer to Review than Debit.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Can’t live with ’em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no