Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
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4. People you don’t like
1. The bodies
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Can you do it?’
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Cops got new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?’