What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
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[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
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The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
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Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.