What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
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I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
every single time
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!