Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Me: Ugh, there’s always issues with the wifi!
Mexican grandfather: When I was 6, I fought a pack of wolves crossing the border to America.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.