What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

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Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.


Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)


ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol


Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.


Me: Ugh, there’s always issues with the wifi!

Mexican grandfather: When I was 6, I fought a pack of wolves crossing the border to America.


[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird


You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?


BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time


Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.


Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.