Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
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If you think you’re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say “There there” when consoling someone
If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
-Your word is phlegm
-Can you use it in a sentence?
*loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
her: what’s up
me: i’m in my car driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no like what location
me: driver’s side
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending